I’m at a party surrounded by an unfamiliar crowd. The conversation turns to weekend plans, and suddenly I’m three stories deep into my latest hookup. Why? Because sex is easy. It’s a language everyone speaks. It’s the basket I would prefer people pull from when they judge me – instead of the person I truly am. 

This is overcompensating: the spirit of insecurity incarnate. The thing that makes you do way too much to prove you’re something you’re simply not. 

History has shown that at any given time, society is forcing a binary – gay or straight, masculine or feminine, in or out. Society is yet to pick up on the fact that no matter how hard they try to force it some people will never be able to fit into the box. 

There are a variety of responses to this reality. Today’s focus: overcompensating.  

It’s one of the most common but often misunderstood fight or flight reactions people have in the face of immense societal pressure to be something they aren't. 

Let me start with a simple and easy stance: fuck fitting into the box.

If you aren’t already fitting in then you never will, and honestly striving to fit in will never be fulfilling. Accept your difference, own it, and re-route the energy spent trying to be like everyone else into becoming unapologetically unique. 

Individuals are going to be individuals, something society refuses to accept and rarely celebrates.

Here’s what I’ve learned: oversharing is a classic and overlooked method of overcompensating. For queer people especially, feeling comfortable in any social situation is a luxury and a rarity. The sphere of comfort comes eventually, yes, but the journey to comfort requires navigating a lot of insecurity along the way.  

Oversexualization is the easiest compensation subject. Why? Because sex is easy. It’s universal.

People understand it and respect those who can have a lot of it. So in moments of discomfort, especially around those who struggle to accept my sexuality, it's easy to just talk about sex.

Sex is intimate – it gives others the illusion of connection, the illusion that you’re sharing an important part of who you are. Its the perfect conversational safety net because whether someone is having sex 100 times a week or is a virgin, sex and sexuality are relatable. 

For gay people especially, the mere act of sex is one of the only parts of our experience that is relatable to straight people. 

Overloading with information about sex – oftentimes at the detriment to the depth you have to offer besides sexual escapades – offers shallow conversation with the illusion of openness. It makes for a perfect topic in moments of insecurity.  

This form of shallowness is what I like to call the “shallow social shield”. 

When the shallow social shield is employed, it isn't necessarily out of fear of being authentic. It’s out of fear that after showing someone your true self, they still will find a way to tear you down. 

So please, scrutinize the surface-level bullshit I choose to give you. Call me a slut or a prude. Critique my workaholic-ism. Maybe you think I dress too feminine. Attacks of the superficial is almost a relief in comparison to tearing down the person I truly am. 

In comparison to the things I've been called and the halls I've walked alone, criticizing the surface truly is like shooting a nerf gun at a tank. 

This exact thought process is the reason for the shallow social shield. The scrutiny won’t be pointed at your authentic self if it’s not truly given, even though the oversharing tells a different story. 

When others get to experience your authentic self, it is always a privilege. Use the shallow social shield consciously and intentionally, but clock when you are using it as a subconscious blending tool in a moment of discomfort. 

When you aren’t feeling a group of people’s vibe, why stick around and overshare about meaningless parts of yourself? There's an amazing alternative: leave. Whether that is physically or mentally checking out of the conversation, you do not need to appeal to people who won’t even take the first step in understanding who you are. 

Offering too much to people who will never respect you until you fit into their box, which you never will, is pushing a boulder up a hill. Completely draining, minimal potential for progress, and never resulting in reaching the desired end. 

I said earlier that overcompensating was a fight or flight reaction. Usually when presented with the choice, fight is painted as noble and flight as cowardly. 

In these situations, fighting (overcompensating) is expending unnecessary energy toward an unattainable end. Not fighting is rarely framed as a win itself. There’s power in knowing when a fight isn’t yours to take on, and choosing to walk away is a triumph in itself. That choice is confidence. That choice is security. 

By walking away, you just saved time, energy, and preserved your sense of self. You will not waste energy on those who make you feel the need to fight. 

Share the parts of you that matter with the people who make you feel seen. Employ your shallow social shield when it serves to protect you, but never use it to work yourself into a place you don’t belong. 

Every time you see the rose petals laid on the pretty path, seductively leading you to the box you don’t belong in, remember: fitting in isn’t your journey. 

Forge your own path and be proud. 

Finally, just in case it wasn’t clear or maybe you forgot: fuck the box. 

Kisses, 

Nicky Reich